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We are raised by parents to be nice to our brothers and sisters, to care for them and about them and to share with them – after all, they are family.
But what if you have a sibling that for one reason or another, repeatedly requests financial help. Whether or not you can give it, or even should give it – you feel guilty if you do not.
Perhaps your sibling has a drug problem and wants to buy more drugs with the money. Perhaps your sibling has been repeatedly fired and can’t make his house payments. What if your sibling just flat out refuses to do anything to support herself and wants you to do so for her?
How do you determine when enough is enough? How do you say no to a sibling’s request and still sleep well at night?
We all know that giving or lending money to a friend or relative can be a recipe for disaster. You expect to get the money back, or short that, you expect something else in return – whether that be fawning thank yous and love, or weekends for a year mowing your yard for you. If you don’t get the expected return, your relationship becomes strained.
Smart Money in The Sibling Sinkhole reported: ‘ “Money often is the adulthood trigger for childhood issues,” says Suzanne Slater, a Northampton, Mass.-based psychotherapist specializing in family wealth dynamics. On the asking side of the equation, experts say, the risk includes not only the shame brought on by sibling competition and the resentment of being beholden, but also the prospect that a buttinsky brother or sister will feel justified in doling out heavy doses of advice with their dollars. There’s also the “hidden string” factor, where the receiving party is pressured to, say, spend weekends expressing gratitude by cleaning his brother’s gutters. ‘
Financial therapists claim the line between compassion and enabling is frequently a blurry one. This Smart Money article went on to say that “These days, it seems, being seen as the moneybags of the brood can put a bull’s-eye on your back, whether you succeeded in business, invested savvily, married well — or just didn’t squander the family inheritance “
So, how do you say no to sibling requests for money?
Below are a few tactics to help you say no, if you have decided that enough is enough, and to help you remain sane and relatively guilt free while doing so!
Be Deliberate
Consciously and deliberately decide (ahead of time) what you will do if asked for financial help. For every action you take, there is another action you cannot take. Think about what your decision will do to your situation, why you think you want to make this decision (is it just to make yourself feel good or meet someone else’s expectations?), think about what it will do to your sibling, think about alternative outcomes your sibling could pursue.
Plan a Speech
Develop an elevator speech – a very short (1 minute or so) prepared speech to control the conversation. Have a policy (have to talk over with the wife or I don’t mix money with family relationships). Keep it businesslike and a bit formal and use this speech to prevent the conversation from becoming a high pressure appeal to your heartstrings.
Take Baby Steps
Start by saying no to small things. Sibs, in an article entitled ‘Dealing with Guilt’ suggests that this can help you practice saying no and seeing that the world does not come to an end and that others in your circle will come to respect your decision.
Say No the Right Way
The Tower of Power site suggests that you will be more successful saying no if you use the right No. The site lists the below kinds of ‘No’:
General No: Just say no – because in general you don’t do xyz – good for money requests.
Delayed No: Buy time by saying you will get back to them later (maybe they will get the money some other way).
Conditional No: Say no, unless these conditions are met. However, be prepared to cough up the dough if your sib does meet your conditions, so be careful with this one.
Painful No: Say no and state why it would be more painful in the future if you said yes now. If I give you money now sis, you will never learn to stand on your own two feet – then what will you do when I am gone?
Alternative solution No: Say no, but suggest another solution.
Repetitive No: Just keep saying your no phrase the same way with each request.
Respectful No: Please respect my decision and stop asking.
Forget About Guilt
Give yourself permission to NOT feel guilty.
Sibs also suggests that you try acknowledging that you don’t need to feel guilty, because you had nothing to do with creating the situation causing your sibling to request help from you.
They say “Recognize that other people’s expectations of how you should behave as a sibling are simply that – their expectations.” Your behavior doesn’t necessarily have to meet their expectations.
Use Alternate Solutions
Look for non-monetary resolutions.
A US News Money article suggests that giving money may not be the best solution for you.
This is similar to using the ‘Alternate solution No described above. If your sister is unwilling to go out and get a job to support herself, spend a few minutes searching for counseling help. For instance, say she has been out of work for 15 years and has repeatedly gotten into financial difficulties because of spending, hoarding and giving habits. She has not been able to pay the real estate property taxes on your parent’s house (which she inherited) and has come to you for help. You don’t want her to be homeless but you have already helped and have seen no behavior change. Your alternative solution might be to help her find a county, state or federal agency that tries to keep the homeless situation under control. They will typically have counseling available to re-train people to get jobs, manage finances and etc.
Stay Firm
Be firm and unequivocal in saying no.
Your body language, tone of voice, eye contact and words all contribute to whether your sibling really believes you are saying no, or whether they feel they can wheedle money out of you in spite of your no.
Give Warning
If you decide that your sibling needs to be rescued this time, but that this is the last time you can or will be the rescuer – tell them so. Let that lazy bum of a sister know that you will not be willing to help out next time and that you expect her to start supporting herself!
Act Wisely
Consider how saying no will be helpful to your sibling. If you give in and give money, you may be hampering your sibling instead of helping.
Financial therapists believe that there are money maladies that need to be handled with therapy – two of which Financial Dependence and Financial enabling – neither is considered healthy in normal, able, adults.
According to Counselor – the Magazine for Addition Professionals, “Financial dependents often feel that the money they receive comes with strings attached, which creates feelings of resentment or anger, but their anxiety about being cut off from that unearned income keeps them playing the game” and Financial enablers “often feel resentment or anger after giving money to others, feeling as though others are taking advantage of them. Often, their self-esteem is entangled in their perception of themselves as a helper.”
Readers, what do you do when a sibling or other non-parent relative asks you for money? How do you feel about your decision and how did you communicate it to your sib?
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It’s not easy, easing that guilt – and other family members often don’t help. Even an offhand remark by one of them (that really has nothing to do with the situation) can be interpreted by you as blame.
Develop a mantra and repeat it to yourself. It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault…
🙂 My siblings know they have an ‘in house’ credit rating with me. The one’s who have borrowed smaller amounts and paid it back on an agreed upon schedule get to borrow larger amounts. It’s hard to say ‘no’. So, instead I say, ‘maybe’. Then work through the details. 🙂
Marie, Nice post. I’d never give money to a sibling unless it was an unforseen emergency like an emergency operation was required to save their life, or something of that magnitude. I think it’s important to be responsible for your own financial affairs and not expect others to bail you out.
My siblings and I have a huge age gap, so there are so many times when they ask me for video games, jamba juice, and just other random stuff. I always give in. I think a lot of this can’t be implemented with younger kids so I always gave in. Now that they are preteens, they understand money a lot more now and I always have to explain to them how much things cost and how I can’t afford it. They seem to get it. What they don’t understand is how much I have to work just to afford something. My brother (who’s 15) thinks that he will be making more money than me when he gets his first job out of college. Oh, the ignorance! 🙂
I do think it is very important to establish healthy boundaries. It is good for all parties involved. I think one thing that you mentioned that is so critical is to be unequivocal.
Marie, this is such a wonderful article. It pulls on our deepest feelings when a sibling asks us for money. In the past we have “loaned” money to a relative, knowing full well that we would never get it back. Thankfully, they didn’t ask for more. We noted that shortly after the loan for their “desperate” financial situation they bought an item for almost the identical amount we’d loaned. It was for an antique they just couldn’t pass up.
When I hear of a more distant relative who is in financial trouble I sometimes send them a small amount of money via my mother on the condition that it is given anonymously. That way they don’t know who to ask for more from!
I haven’t had to deal with this but if it ever comes up I might give them money once with the condition if you don’t pay me back you never get a loan again. I wouldn’t expect it to get paid back because that is setting me up for failure but I think my family would pay me back. They’re pretty responsible people.
I have done the same in the past. I think we all deserve a chance and family members more than one chance, but there comes a time when you have to consider what is best for everyone, including yourself.
family. they are what they are. i think a loan needs be looked as a gift. if you cant afford to not have it not be paid back, then cant give it. if you do, expect it gone
That’s a good way of looking at family – “they are what they are”. You probably aren’t going to change them, so you adjust your behavior to deal with them.
I realise that this goes against eccepted ‘wisdom’ but I have never considered refusing my sister if and when she asks. Probably because I know she is not going to ask lightly and also was think family is important and the fact that I am the one in position to help is just by chance. My sister supports me in so many other ways that money is the least I can offer if needed.
Great article – money can definitely mess up relationships. My sister-in-law used to ask my husband for money “for the kids”. He hated to say no because he was worried they’d go without things they really needed.
On an alternative note, if my brother came to me with a solid investment opportunity to buy a piece of his business, I would jump at the chance, especially if I could add value as a partner. Obviously there are risks in going into business with family, or even worse giving a loan (*gift) to support a credit/consumer spending addiction. That being said, I trust his instincts and work ethic, and our family bond would allow for a lot of honesty.
you made so many good points in this article, and I think the concepts can definitely be applied to other situations, not just money borrowing/lending. I think your points about making a decision BEFORE a situation comes up and not allowing yourself to feel guilty (their expectations are just that) are my favorite!
My husband and I have loaned money to both of his siblings over and over. Most of the time we do not get paid back. One in particular almost never gives anything back. For example, 3 months ago this sibling and husband took a vacation that they couldn’t afford and we begrudgingly loaned them some money so our nephews could have a good time. They promised they would pay. They did make one payment and immediately needed the payment back. Now they are asking for money again. We’re just so tired of it. We told the sibling no and now she’s angry. She said it was hurtful that we said no because it hurts her pride to ask us and because she promised to pay us back on a certain date. This has been going on for 20+ years. She gets mad and pouts and we feel guilty. If we give in, she’s so nice and helpful and loves us. If we don’t, she’s mad. It seems like we’re having to pay for her love. I don’t know what to do. We can’t win.
That is emotional blackmail 101. She knows you feel guilty if you dont give. If you lend she “rewards” you by being nice. I don’t have the solution right away but you need to stop this dynamic. Read more about money and emotional blackmail for advice. Good luck!
Yes! Finally someone tells it like it is! I have the same sister. We have a large family but I, the baby, am the only one that helps her. She seems to think that we owe her. She hates me the most of anyone in the family. I refused to pay her New York rent for the third month. She and my brother pretended I didn’t exist at my older brother’s funeral!!!! Funeral!!! Bottom line. She doesn’t want to work and yes, she gets in conflict with everyone.
Thanks for such a great post. DH and I have been dealing with just this issue with his little sister(37),
We have bailed her out so many times that she thinks of us as her parents sometimes. They bailed her out all the time, even though they were barely making ends meet. They died last year and DH gave her his share of their paid-for house free and clear if she would do just one thing: Never ask for money again.
He told her if she asked he would cut her off and never speak to her again. He told her that their relationship depended upon her getting her financial house in order and taking money out the equation.
Less than six weeks later, she was on the phone asking for money. She demanded it,
actually. When he said no she called him some unforgivable names and told him she knew he would eventually cheat her. She went into a cursing tantrum and he told her never to call again. Because he didn’t say not to write, she writes regularly with increasingly dramatic stories, but he has not responded.
What a tough situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through that. I am proud of your husband for sticking his ground and not giving in. That is really important. I also think it is good he isn’t allowing guilt to sway him. That can be really hard. I am sure the letters are hard to read though. It is not a natural feeling to just ignore family. I hope he can keep up his strength.
I know one thing — I would not read the letters.. This is abuse and is ridiculous.. Due to past verbal abuse from my DH’s sibling– we do not allow any phone calls— only e-mail. If that gets crazy that will go also.
My husband and I make the decision together ahead of time as we have specific financial goals as well. That being said, if it were a first time requester we would most likely agree to a reasonable sum delivered with the Dave Ramsey book, Total Money Makeover and a discussion that we are following this plan ourselves. BTW that book is my favorite wedding gift ever.
Great idea. Why not give them the tools they need to improve their situation. I would do the same thing. A first time requester has the benefit of the doubt. When the repeat though is when things get tricky.
Whenever this discussion comes up there is always the story about people who borrow money for desperate need and then are found buying luxuries for similar value. While I haven’t been in a situation to lend money (except once and it was paid back very promptly) I feel I would discuss this expectation that they should not buy ANY luxuries till the loan is paid back (I appreciate the distinction may not be clear to some borrowers but I would discuss it). Also if someone said they needed to borrow money for X I would try to buy X directly, e.g. pay the bills myself, buy the kids’ stuff myself rather than hand over cash. This is a bit controlly and is not giving the lender much autonomy, but I think that is the cost of borrowing.
Re the antique vase, it would have been quite funny, if you had offered to hold it in your house as collateral for their loan.
That is a great point. It feels like a slap in the face when you have helped someone out and the go and buy things they don’t need. I think I would rather pay the bill or buy the item for them too. That way you know you really helped.
I have been in this cycle for years with a brother that is 11 years younger……..he is 48 years old. He has such a cycle of failure and excuses. When he gets a job he really does enjoy working but it seems as though something happens and then its an ordeal getting another job. He about bled my brother that is 8 years younger than me into borrowing money on his line of credit during bad times in his own business. We feel so sad for my brother but he is financially killing us. This is the hardest thing in the world……..he is like a teenager …what is wrong with him……..we both resent this………….the guilt is terrible.
My sister-in-law asked my wife for $300 to pay back someone who was nagging her for repayment of borrowed money. My wife, without hesitation, gave her the money. I’m absolutely furious of it. 1) because my wife did it without asking me, 2) because her sister had the nerve to ask my wife for money, and 3) because she loaned her money, knowing it was for paying back someone she was avoiding paying off. Pathetic! Her sister is terrible with money. She never buys anything with her own money, its always on credit. Not to mention she offered only to pay $50 a month back, LOL. That will take 6 months for only $300! I want to demand she pays it back next month, because she has a job! She was obviously taking advantage of my wife, because she thought that she wouldn’t be aggressive trying to get the money back.
My husband’s sibling is not able to pay a large real estate tax burden, etc.,
The sibling has been allowed to live in the parents home–and my husband and this particular sibling were left with a 50/50 split on the home and contents. My husband has not received anything.. Anyway, the sibling can live in this home as long as the taxes and insurance are paid.. The larger extended family and my husband have already paid the taxes once and refuse to pay anymore.. I am so tired of this person who thinks that they can get money from everyone else just so they are not inconvenienced to move and realize it is time to sell the parental home as the parents have passed. The will is not fair and I would encourage all parents never to leave a home where one sibling can live there mortg/ rent free etc., while the other children have to stand by and take this inequity.
My siblings are debt stricken. 3 out of 6 siblings. I don’t mind helping one sibling but the other 2 are draining me mentally and financially. What do I do?
My sis got divorced. 6yrs ago moved in with my mom stayed with mmom for 5yrs. than about 3yrs afyer that she met a guy who only draws 700a month. she married him cuz of pills , she knew he didn’t hav no money he didn’t even hav a car. she ran off got married to him now she comes to me for money afyer i bought her a new car. she expects me tp psy cuz i hav money. i put my foot down today when she came by wantin money. I’m tired of givin &keepin them up.back yrs ago i made my money from my music. i traveled played out ,toured with big heavy music bands now she thinks i should keep her butt up , i was very generous. to hrr buyin her a 25.000 grand car cash. now she started. tryin to throw a guilt trip sayin i only hav 3dollars to her name.,im not goin to spend my money on her no more ,I’ve quit playin music want i earned has got to last me , if she wanted to get married she should of found someone that had more than her now husbands got. she’s not goin to drain me. I’m not runnin a bank either. best thing to do is tell ppl like her the banks closed 🙂
My husband sister always asks for money every month she us always complaining and moaning she doesn’t have clothes and no money for college she has a child and she 26 years old and saying it’s hard to find work we don’t have enough money our self wih two kids but he can’t say no and will give it to her now she is saying she doesn’t want to work now my husband is so stressed and wants to provide for her and her child but we can’t as we can’t afford it and he won’t say no and getting into debt.
My twin brother and I are 31. He has followed me every where I go through adulthood trying to live with me or just live close enough so he can stalk me..
He only always wants money..before he walks put the door he secretmy tucks away half my pack of smokes so he doesn’t have to buy more with money I give him.
He used money for drugs only. Today. He’s living on the streets..obviously lingering around the neighborhood I live in. I’m trying to maintain my own life and doing it sober..but my brother is a trigger for my past drug use..so it’s come to the lowest point as of today.
I have a job..trying to move out of my ex husbands moms house. I can NEVER SAVE ANY MONEY because it goes to my brother or on drugs that I do when my brother is around..even when he’s not. But i blame him for fucking up my sobriety.
Its like he doesn’t want me to be sober if he’s not sober.
I owe a lot of money toward certain bills..very important ones..not paid. Pawned my tv for borrowed money today. That money is gone.
My brother begged me to pick him up after work today…keep in mind I work 2nd shift 5-7 days per week. He gets mad if I don’t get out early to pick him up from his little part time job. He made $80 tonight and instead of a hotel room..he says he’s sleeping in my car tonight because it’s too cold out. Didn’t ask..demanded. He spent all the money on drugs tonight..now he’s mad at me because I won’t give him $25 in the morning. He’s saying that he spent all he made last night and that it’s not fair and he has nothing left to get his dope in the morning.
He blows up my phone all day every hour. If I don’t respond immediately he freaks out on me and if I don’t answer the first time he calls he’ll call back 30 times in a row.
Sabotage.
Everything I worked so hard for is now fucked because I let my brother dictate how I’m going to live my life and what kind of lifestyle I’ll have. Again.
Its funny that when he’s doing good and not down and out…I rarely hear from him..but as soon as he’s struggling..bam!! He grabs hold..sucks the life right out of me and i give in because it’s easy..I figure that things are already fucked so why not.
I feel like I’m giving up on my goals and dreams.
Every time i get this far and I’m sober and doing great..here comes Randy with his wrecking ball..destroyed to pieces and I’m physically and mentally too exhausted to start over for the 100th time!!!!
I’m to a point now..I don’t feel bad for my brother..I was just letting him destroy what I built because it was easy. Now..this time..i think I need to make a major overhaul not just start over..
I need to get 100% sober again..take my meds..move into a sober living house..get a job..move into a sober house permanently. Change my phone number. Not give it to my ex husband or my brother.
I need to keep my location hidden from the both of them. Then if they aren’t there..there’s no THEY to sabotage what I’m building..or anyone keeping me from doing what needs to be done in my life. Because it’s important in my life at that moment.
Just realized..if I make the problem disappear..the stress from the problem will never appear or be created.
This is the time i sincerely say goodbye to the sabotagers in my life and choose my life 100%. Time to focus!!!!
This would be a good plan, IF you were committed to it. But honestly it sounds like you are not. Is your brother forcing you to do drugs…no that is your choice. You admit that you do drugs, even when he is not there.
It’s never going to change…if you wanted to, you had many years to do it already.
I have a younger sister who is 7 years younger than me. My mom taught me about saving money from at the age of 5 by buying me a money box & teaching me to save half of the money she gave me. She also made such I understood that she didn’t have money & make sure I wouldn’t nag her for something I wanted. With my sister its the complete opposite, she didn’t teach my sister about saving & spoil her whenever she wanted something. My sister makes loans, makes debts that I have to pay, does out for the whole weekend when she got her stipend almost every month end because she’s an intern, then 2 weeks later I have to give her money for transport. My mother makes excuses for her & my sister even fights with me for money for data for her phone & every time she fights with me my mom takes her part. My mom expects me to always pay her debts… I don’t know what to do
I have a younger brother who has a job and keeps owing money whenever my paycheck arrives. It’s like 5 days after he receives his salary, he’s running out of budget like he can’t go to work anymore if I won’t lend him. I normally would say no on his first attempt, but seeing him not going to work because he doesn’t have money anymore, I’ll give in sooner or later.If he’ll be absent he’ll receive not enough on his pay to cover his expenses at home. So that would be my another problem. Sometimes my mom would even get mad at me if I’lldclined not lending him some few bucks. So, once he receives his pay the following cut-off, I would ask for my money back. Yes, he would pay me, but he will definitely say ” this is all I have left, I don’t have allowance anymore” and I’ll take the cash. Here comes 5 days later and my salary arrives. The same scenario will occur. I’m fuckin’ tired of the situation. I feel like I always need to sacrifice or include his needs on my budget. It’s difficult to manage my own money and adding him up in lists really toxic me. Help!
It’s not money my sibling asks for but she is annoying me by constantly trying to sell me things. It’s so annoying and I want to scream at her but I don’t want to be rude. She’s done so much for me, I almost feel obligated to buy her things she selling. I want to support her. Where do I draw the line? Every single time I talk to her she tries to sell me something….It’s annoying.
Here’s my situation. I’ve never borrowed money from my older sister, and would never ask. Her husband however has borrowed things from me, some of which have never been returned, and they are better off financially than me…way better off.
Once after her husband had back surgery, in the middle of them building a house of which he was going to do the trim carpentry, they asked for me to do it and i took a week off for vacation and went and did the trim carpentry which saved them thousands of dollars.
Now the tables have been turned and i can’t even get my sister to respond to my question of need…she has simply ignored the question with silence. I am now disabled due to my back, so with only one income for a family of 4 it is rough as it is, but my wife was just in an accident where the other driver was eluding police. That driver is in jail, his insurance refuses to pay for anything until they can get a statement from him, and the part of what my insurance will pay for a rental runs out this week.
My sister has anolder car sitting in their driveway that they never/rarely use, so I asked if my wife could drive it until our insurance issue gets resolved, and have been met with silence. This is the only favor I have ever asked of them, and I don’t know how to respond to the silence of her ignoring the question.
My sister hits me up for money regularly. She had a PhD in something or other, has written four text books and has taught at a university for several years. She was diagnosed as bi polar prior to her many academic successes. She is 66 and divorced. Has no real income and until last year was able to collect disability for her bi polar condition. Long story short she had been hitting me up for the past few years for money on a regular basis. We were up to a thousand dollars every 6 weeks or so. Then I stupidly put her on the “payroll” a few months ago depositing a thousand dollars a month directly into her checking account. I sent het sm email last week telling her I could not continue to send her money but I would vontinue till the end of September. She is very upset about that snd ssys she won’t be able to pay her mortgage if I stop sending her money. She always says she can’t find a job or that she didn’t get any teaching gigs. I dm feeling angry and resentful and guilty. I feel taken advantage of by her along with a few other family members. How do I hold firm to end
To not sending my sister money all the time? In the past year I will have sent her (by the end of September) nearly ten thousand dollars snd enough is enough. Luckily for me she lives three states away.
I have a sister in law who keeps asking her brother to cosign for stuff with her. She knows its wrong but does it anyway, knowing we already have loans and bills to pay. This time she went be hind my back and asked him so her husband could buy a truck. It ticks me off BC she uses her relationship to him as a way to get him to try and do stuff. She directed me and him by even asking and I’m tired of it. She’s much older than us and needs to handle her own financial affairs instead of running to baby brother. We plan on looking for a house in a couple years so we have our own issues to worry about. She needs to grow the fuck up and handle her own shit.
My slightly older sister and are very close.. She and I are both educated professionala and very good handling money
We both maxed our 401k contributions, and saved as much additional money we could. We are both 60ish now. Her career skyrocketed and she makes at least $250,k a year, but due to my depression and anxiety issues, my professional career making about $80k a year failed several years ago, and I currently can only work part time at $13 an hour, so my accessible savings has dwindled and I can’t start collecting my 401k for a couple years. I spend nothing that I don’t absolutely need to keep up my modest home and buy other necessities and I have no debt. If my sister sent me $500 a month it wouldn’t affect her lifestyle at all but would be a huge help to me. When I asked her for help I was shocked when she refusef. If ,the situation was reversed I would do anything I could to help her. I’m very hurt and don’t understand how she can be so selfish. Not all siblimgs that ask for help are spenthrifts that don’t deserve belp.
I’m 51 and have a brother who is 48. He can’t hold a job. Will live in his car . Needed to have his registration paid or he would lose the car . I paid it . I get his mail at my house . I told my brother I will not be paying his registration ever again and handle his business.. On one if his mail I wrote
Because I love you . I will no longer give you or loan you any more money…
He called me this morning. I answered he says he has run out of gas .. I forgot to mention. He lives in my carport.. he is around the corner..
I told him I don’t have a gas can and hung up .
He called again . I didn’t answer..
he sent me a text that he could get a gas can but needed 5.00 .. I haven’t responded to him ..
I know my brother is on drugs . My mother would always help him .. my mother has been dead for 2 years now .. I’m not sure what to do with him anymore! My fiancé says I need to tell him to leave my carport and learn to live elsewhere…
I’m not sure what to do now ?
Your brother sounds like my sister, and her kids. Every family seems to have sociopathic family members. I have helped my sister many, many times paying her bills because she just won’t work or take care of herself. She had a great job with the State; great benefits, low stress job, but because she is socially disfunctional she can’t get along with ANYONE; they finally let her go on, put her on disabiity for stress and anxiety (ya, who doesn’t have that, yet we all still go to work). So she now brings home almost the same amount per month that I do, but doesn’t have to do a damned thing for it. Sleeps in, buys her booze, hangs out at home all day watching tv on her $150.00 cable. Yet she continues to spend before she pays her bills, and then she’s back asking me or my mom to borrorw money so she can pay her cable, or cell phone, or her new car which she can’t afford. I’m done with it. I’m not stupid or gullible. I told her, if you want nice things, get a job. If you don’t want to work then you do without.
The only thing I want in return is for my sister to stop hitting me up for money. I was really happy when we got back in touch after years of no contact, and then she jumped right back into asking me for money again. And the thing is I know that some of it kind of is because of impulse spending and financial responsibility. I’m frustrated because I just got out of a situation where I was half supporting another person and it wiped me out for a while and made it to where I depleted some of my savings, followed by a series of various other disasters I had no control over. I don’t want to say no to her because I do feel guilty….Our parents aren’t in the picture so I’m the only family she’s in touch with and I don’t like letting people down, but I also wish she would just see it and be more responsible and try to see that she’s falling back into bad habits and not getting a leg up on preparing for the future (I’m way older and I’m not gonna be around forever) and that well…she kind of takes advantage of me. Or at least she has and I’m afraid things are going that way again. I haven’t said anything though because it’s mostly my fault. After all, I let this pattern happen. But I guess I just fundamentally don’t understand the thought process behind this. I don’t think I could ask for money even if I needed it. I don’t think I ever have aside from some here and there for gas or allowance when I was a kid but like….even that I technically still had to pay back or do chores for. And I more than paid it back with all the things I paid for my sister when we were all still talking that my parents really SHOULD have been paying for instead of hitting me up for.
I don’t even know what to do. I guess it’s also because I’m selfish. I have so few people in my life and I’m really isolated. It would be so arrogant of me to assume I was good enough at making friends or forming human connections to afford to burn or damage this bridge. And I always think what if I’m wrong? Maybe I’m just being negative. Maybe I’m not seeing this the right way. Maybe the good outweighs the discomfort. Man I don’t know sometimes. I feel like I’m a terrible person for even struggling with this. I feel like I’m being judgemental. After all I’ve made some poor decisions in my life too. I wish I was disgustingly rich so I could just give her handouts without worrying about my own financial future.
We are raised by parents to be nice to our brothers and sisters, to care for them and about them and to share with them – after all, they are family.
Plan a Speech
I need to stop feeling guilty! That’s my number 1 problem.
It’s not easy, easing that guilt – and other family members often don’t help. Even an offhand remark by one of them (that really has nothing to do with the situation) can be interpreted by you as blame.
Develop a mantra and repeat it to yourself. It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault…
🙂 My siblings know they have an ‘in house’ credit rating with me. The one’s who have borrowed smaller amounts and paid it back on an agreed upon schedule get to borrow larger amounts. It’s hard to say ‘no’. So, instead I say, ‘maybe’. Then work through the details. 🙂
As long as it works out well for everyone…. but some sibs just want handouts!
Marie, Nice post. I’d never give money to a sibling unless it was an unforseen emergency like an emergency operation was required to save their life, or something of that magnitude. I think it’s important to be responsible for your own financial affairs and not expect others to bail you out.
I’m not sure I could say no — thank goodness my sister reads my blog and knows about my goals!
What if saying yes actually hurt your sister more than saying no did? Could you do it then?
My siblings and I have a huge age gap, so there are so many times when they ask me for video games, jamba juice, and just other random stuff. I always give in. I think a lot of this can’t be implemented with younger kids so I always gave in. Now that they are preteens, they understand money a lot more now and I always have to explain to them how much things cost and how I can’t afford it. They seem to get it. What they don’t understand is how much I have to work just to afford something. My brother (who’s 15) thinks that he will be making more money than me when he gets his first job out of college. Oh, the ignorance! 🙂
Maybe he will! Then you can borrow from him – lol.
You are lucky with your family – appreciate them!
I’m curious how it came to be that he stopped asking?
I do think it is very important to establish healthy boundaries. It is good for all parties involved. I think one thing that you mentioned that is so critical is to be unequivocal.
Sometimes it is hard to be so certain though, right?
It is difficult, but such decisions come with the territory not creating co-dependent situations, no?
Marie, this is such a wonderful article. It pulls on our deepest feelings when a sibling asks us for money. In the past we have “loaned” money to a relative, knowing full well that we would never get it back. Thankfully, they didn’t ask for more. We noted that shortly after the loan for their “desperate” financial situation they bought an item for almost the identical amount we’d loaned. It was for an antique they just couldn’t pass up.
When I hear of a more distant relative who is in financial trouble I sometimes send them a small amount of money via my mother on the condition that it is given anonymously. That way they don’t know who to ask for more from!
I think it is important to help family, but sometimes the most help is something other than money.
I haven’t had to deal with this but if it ever comes up I might give them money once with the condition if you don’t pay me back you never get a loan again. I wouldn’t expect it to get paid back because that is setting me up for failure but I think my family would pay me back. They’re pretty responsible people.
I have done the same in the past. I think we all deserve a chance and family members more than one chance, but there comes a time when you have to consider what is best for everyone, including yourself.
family. they are what they are. i think a loan needs be looked as a gift. if you cant afford to not have it not be paid back, then cant give it. if you do, expect it gone
1%
That’s a good way of looking at family – “they are what they are”. You probably aren’t going to change them, so you adjust your behavior to deal with them.
I realise that this goes against eccepted ‘wisdom’ but I have never considered refusing my sister if and when she asks. Probably because I know she is not going to ask lightly and also was think family is important and the fact that I am the one in position to help is just by chance. My sister supports me in so many other ways that money is the least I can offer if needed.
I wish I had a sister like that. Some siblings offer little or no support and expect the world.
Great article – money can definitely mess up relationships. My sister-in-law used to ask my husband for money “for the kids”. He hated to say no because he was worried they’d go without things they really needed.
It’s much tougher when there are minors involved.
On an alternative note, if my brother came to me with a solid investment opportunity to buy a piece of his business, I would jump at the chance, especially if I could add value as a partner. Obviously there are risks in going into business with family, or even worse giving a loan (*gift) to support a credit/consumer spending addiction. That being said, I trust his instincts and work ethic, and our family bond would allow for a lot of honesty.
Family businesses are a special beast. Gerald Le Van has written several books about the dynamics.
The warning and being direct has worked for a lot of sibling relationships I’ve seen.
Thanks for weighing in!
Marie,
you made so many good points in this article, and I think the concepts can definitely be applied to other situations, not just money borrowing/lending. I think your points about making a decision BEFORE a situation comes up and not allowing yourself to feel guilty (their expectations are just that) are my favorite!
I would agree. If we already have a plan in place then we are prepared if the situation actually becomes reality.
My husband and I have loaned money to both of his siblings over and over. Most of the time we do not get paid back. One in particular almost never gives anything back. For example, 3 months ago this sibling and husband took a vacation that they couldn’t afford and we begrudgingly loaned them some money so our nephews could have a good time. They promised they would pay. They did make one payment and immediately needed the payment back. Now they are asking for money again. We’re just so tired of it. We told the sibling no and now she’s angry. She said it was hurtful that we said no because it hurts her pride to ask us and because she promised to pay us back on a certain date. This has been going on for 20+ years. She gets mad and pouts and we feel guilty. If we give in, she’s so nice and helpful and loves us. If we don’t, she’s mad. It seems like we’re having to pay for her love. I don’t know what to do. We can’t win.
That is emotional blackmail 101. She knows you feel guilty if you dont give. If you lend she “rewards” you by being nice. I don’t have the solution right away but you need to stop this dynamic. Read more about money and emotional blackmail for advice. Good luck!
Yes! Finally someone tells it like it is! I have the same sister. We have a large family but I, the baby, am the only one that helps her. She seems to think that we owe her. She hates me the most of anyone in the family. I refused to pay her New York rent for the third month. She and my brother pretended I didn’t exist at my older brother’s funeral!!!! Funeral!!! Bottom line. She doesn’t want to work and yes, she gets in conflict with everyone.
Thanks for such a great post. DH and I have been dealing with just this issue with his little sister(37),
We have bailed her out so many times that she thinks of us as her parents sometimes. They bailed her out all the time, even though they were barely making ends meet. They died last year and DH gave her his share of their paid-for house free and clear if she would do just one thing: Never ask for money again.
He told her if she asked he would cut her off and never speak to her again. He told her that their relationship depended upon her getting her financial house in order and taking money out the equation.
Less than six weeks later, she was on the phone asking for money. She demanded it,
actually. When he said no she called him some unforgivable names and told him she knew he would eventually cheat her. She went into a cursing tantrum and he told her never to call again. Because he didn’t say not to write, she writes regularly with increasingly dramatic stories, but he has not responded.
It was her choice.
What a tough situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through that. I am proud of your husband for sticking his ground and not giving in. That is really important. I also think it is good he isn’t allowing guilt to sway him. That can be really hard. I am sure the letters are hard to read though. It is not a natural feeling to just ignore family. I hope he can keep up his strength.
I know one thing — I would not read the letters.. This is abuse and is ridiculous.. Due to past verbal abuse from my DH’s sibling– we do not allow any phone calls— only e-mail. If that gets crazy that will go also.
My husband and I make the decision together ahead of time as we have specific financial goals as well. That being said, if it were a first time requester we would most likely agree to a reasonable sum delivered with the Dave Ramsey book, Total Money Makeover and a discussion that we are following this plan ourselves. BTW that book is my favorite wedding gift ever.
Great idea. Why not give them the tools they need to improve their situation. I would do the same thing. A first time requester has the benefit of the doubt. When the repeat though is when things get tricky.
Whenever this discussion comes up there is always the story about people who borrow money for desperate need and then are found buying luxuries for similar value. While I haven’t been in a situation to lend money (except once and it was paid back very promptly) I feel I would discuss this expectation that they should not buy ANY luxuries till the loan is paid back (I appreciate the distinction may not be clear to some borrowers but I would discuss it). Also if someone said they needed to borrow money for X I would try to buy X directly, e.g. pay the bills myself, buy the kids’ stuff myself rather than hand over cash. This is a bit controlly and is not giving the lender much autonomy, but I think that is the cost of borrowing.
Re the antique vase, it would have been quite funny, if you had offered to hold it in your house as collateral for their loan.
That is a great point. It feels like a slap in the face when you have helped someone out and the go and buy things they don’t need. I think I would rather pay the bill or buy the item for them too. That way you know you really helped.
I have been in this cycle for years with a brother that is 11 years younger……..he is 48 years old. He has such a cycle of failure and excuses. When he gets a job he really does enjoy working but it seems as though something happens and then its an ordeal getting another job. He about bled my brother that is 8 years younger than me into borrowing money on his line of credit during bad times in his own business. We feel so sad for my brother but he is financially killing us. This is the hardest thing in the world……..he is like a teenager …what is wrong with him……..we both resent this………….the guilt is terrible.
My sister-in-law asked my wife for $300 to pay back someone who was nagging her for repayment of borrowed money. My wife, without hesitation, gave her the money. I’m absolutely furious of it. 1) because my wife did it without asking me, 2) because her sister had the nerve to ask my wife for money, and 3) because she loaned her money, knowing it was for paying back someone she was avoiding paying off. Pathetic! Her sister is terrible with money. She never buys anything with her own money, its always on credit. Not to mention she offered only to pay $50 a month back, LOL. That will take 6 months for only $300! I want to demand she pays it back next month, because she has a job! She was obviously taking advantage of my wife, because she thought that she wouldn’t be aggressive trying to get the money back.
My husband’s sibling is not able to pay a large real estate tax burden, etc.,
The sibling has been allowed to live in the parents home–and my husband and this particular sibling were left with a 50/50 split on the home and contents. My husband has not received anything.. Anyway, the sibling can live in this home as long as the taxes and insurance are paid.. The larger extended family and my husband have already paid the taxes once and refuse to pay anymore.. I am so tired of this person who thinks that they can get money from everyone else just so they are not inconvenienced to move and realize it is time to sell the parental home as the parents have passed. The will is not fair and I would encourage all parents never to leave a home where one sibling can live there mortg/ rent free etc., while the other children have to stand by and take this inequity.
If you know that your brother’s wife is the real money grabber what do you do?
My siblings are debt stricken. 3 out of 6 siblings. I don’t mind helping one sibling but the other 2 are draining me mentally and financially. What do I do?
My sis got divorced. 6yrs ago moved in with my mom stayed with mmom for 5yrs. than about 3yrs afyer that she met a guy who only draws 700a month. she married him cuz of pills , she knew he didn’t hav no money he didn’t even hav a car. she ran off got married to him now she comes to me for money afyer i bought her a new car. she expects me tp psy cuz i hav money. i put my foot down today when she came by wantin money. I’m tired of givin &keepin them up.back yrs ago i made my money from my music. i traveled played out ,toured with big heavy music bands now she thinks i should keep her butt up , i was very generous. to hrr buyin her a 25.000 grand car cash. now she started. tryin to throw a guilt trip sayin i only hav 3dollars to her name.,im not goin to spend my money on her no more ,I’ve quit playin music want i earned has got to last me , if she wanted to get married she should of found someone that had more than her now husbands got. she’s not goin to drain me. I’m not runnin a bank either. best thing to do is tell ppl like her the banks closed 🙂
My husband sister always asks for money every month she us always complaining and moaning she doesn’t have clothes and no money for college she has a child and she 26 years old and saying it’s hard to find work we don’t have enough money our self wih two kids but he can’t say no and will give it to her now she is saying she doesn’t want to work now my husband is so stressed and wants to provide for her and her child but we can’t as we can’t afford it and he won’t say no and getting into debt.
My twin brother and I are 31. He has followed me every where I go through adulthood trying to live with me or just live close enough so he can stalk me..
He only always wants money..before he walks put the door he secretmy tucks away half my pack of smokes so he doesn’t have to buy more with money I give him.
He used money for drugs only. Today. He’s living on the streets..obviously lingering around the neighborhood I live in. I’m trying to maintain my own life and doing it sober..but my brother is a trigger for my past drug use..so it’s come to the lowest point as of today.
I have a job..trying to move out of my ex husbands moms house. I can NEVER SAVE ANY MONEY because it goes to my brother or on drugs that I do when my brother is around..even when he’s not. But i blame him for fucking up my sobriety.
Its like he doesn’t want me to be sober if he’s not sober.
I owe a lot of money toward certain bills..very important ones..not paid. Pawned my tv for borrowed money today. That money is gone.
My brother begged me to pick him up after work today…keep in mind I work 2nd shift 5-7 days per week. He gets mad if I don’t get out early to pick him up from his little part time job. He made $80 tonight and instead of a hotel room..he says he’s sleeping in my car tonight because it’s too cold out. Didn’t ask..demanded. He spent all the money on drugs tonight..now he’s mad at me because I won’t give him $25 in the morning. He’s saying that he spent all he made last night and that it’s not fair and he has nothing left to get his dope in the morning.
He blows up my phone all day every hour. If I don’t respond immediately he freaks out on me and if I don’t answer the first time he calls he’ll call back 30 times in a row.
Sabotage.
Everything I worked so hard for is now fucked because I let my brother dictate how I’m going to live my life and what kind of lifestyle I’ll have. Again.
Its funny that when he’s doing good and not down and out…I rarely hear from him..but as soon as he’s struggling..bam!! He grabs hold..sucks the life right out of me and i give in because it’s easy..I figure that things are already fucked so why not.
I feel like I’m giving up on my goals and dreams.
Every time i get this far and I’m sober and doing great..here comes Randy with his wrecking ball..destroyed to pieces and I’m physically and mentally too exhausted to start over for the 100th time!!!!
I’m to a point now..I don’t feel bad for my brother..I was just letting him destroy what I built because it was easy. Now..this time..i think I need to make a major overhaul not just start over..
I need to get 100% sober again..take my meds..move into a sober living house..get a job..move into a sober house permanently. Change my phone number. Not give it to my ex husband or my brother.
I need to keep my location hidden from the both of them. Then if they aren’t there..there’s no THEY to sabotage what I’m building..or anyone keeping me from doing what needs to be done in my life. Because it’s important in my life at that moment.
Just realized..if I make the problem disappear..the stress from the problem will never appear or be created.
This is the time i sincerely say goodbye to the sabotagers in my life and choose my life 100%. Time to focus!!!!
This would be a good plan, IF you were committed to it. But honestly it sounds like you are not. Is your brother forcing you to do drugs…no that is your choice. You admit that you do drugs, even when he is not there.
It’s never going to change…if you wanted to, you had many years to do it already.
I have a younger sister who is 7 years younger than me. My mom taught me about saving money from at the age of 5 by buying me a money box & teaching me to save half of the money she gave me. She also made such I understood that she didn’t have money & make sure I wouldn’t nag her for something I wanted. With my sister its the complete opposite, she didn’t teach my sister about saving & spoil her whenever she wanted something. My sister makes loans, makes debts that I have to pay, does out for the whole weekend when she got her stipend almost every month end because she’s an intern, then 2 weeks later I have to give her money for transport. My mother makes excuses for her & my sister even fights with me for money for data for her phone & every time she fights with me my mom takes her part. My mom expects me to always pay her debts… I don’t know what to do
I have a younger brother who has a job and keeps owing money whenever my paycheck arrives. It’s like 5 days after he receives his salary, he’s running out of budget like he can’t go to work anymore if I won’t lend him. I normally would say no on his first attempt, but seeing him not going to work because he doesn’t have money anymore, I’ll give in sooner or later.If he’ll be absent he’ll receive not enough on his pay to cover his expenses at home. So that would be my another problem. Sometimes my mom would even get mad at me if I’lldclined not lending him some few bucks. So, once he receives his pay the following cut-off, I would ask for my money back. Yes, he would pay me, but he will definitely say ” this is all I have left, I don’t have allowance anymore” and I’ll take the cash. Here comes 5 days later and my salary arrives. The same scenario will occur. I’m fuckin’ tired of the situation. I feel like I always need to sacrifice or include his needs on my budget. It’s difficult to manage my own money and adding him up in lists really toxic me. Help!
It’s not money my sibling asks for but she is annoying me by constantly trying to sell me things. It’s so annoying and I want to scream at her but I don’t want to be rude. She’s done so much for me, I almost feel obligated to buy her things she selling. I want to support her. Where do I draw the line? Every single time I talk to her she tries to sell me something….It’s annoying.
Break through and clear your path forward toward all the amazing things you’re capable of!
Here’s my situation. I’ve never borrowed money from my older sister, and would never ask. Her husband however has borrowed things from me, some of which have never been returned, and they are better off financially than me…way better off.
Once after her husband had back surgery, in the middle of them building a house of which he was going to do the trim carpentry, they asked for me to do it and i took a week off for vacation and went and did the trim carpentry which saved them thousands of dollars.
Now the tables have been turned and i can’t even get my sister to respond to my question of need…she has simply ignored the question with silence. I am now disabled due to my back, so with only one income for a family of 4 it is rough as it is, but my wife was just in an accident where the other driver was eluding police. That driver is in jail, his insurance refuses to pay for anything until they can get a statement from him, and the part of what my insurance will pay for a rental runs out this week.
My sister has anolder car sitting in their driveway that they never/rarely use, so I asked if my wife could drive it until our insurance issue gets resolved, and have been met with silence. This is the only favor I have ever asked of them, and I don’t know how to respond to the silence of her ignoring the question.
My sister hits me up for money regularly. She had a PhD in something or other, has written four text books and has taught at a university for several years. She was diagnosed as bi polar prior to her many academic successes. She is 66 and divorced. Has no real income and until last year was able to collect disability for her bi polar condition. Long story short she had been hitting me up for the past few years for money on a regular basis. We were up to a thousand dollars every 6 weeks or so. Then I stupidly put her on the “payroll” a few months ago depositing a thousand dollars a month directly into her checking account. I sent het sm email last week telling her I could not continue to send her money but I would vontinue till the end of September. She is very upset about that snd ssys she won’t be able to pay her mortgage if I stop sending her money. She always says she can’t find a job or that she didn’t get any teaching gigs. I dm feeling angry and resentful and guilty. I feel taken advantage of by her along with a few other family members. How do I hold firm to end
To not sending my sister money all the time? In the past year I will have sent her (by the end of September) nearly ten thousand dollars snd enough is enough. Luckily for me she lives three states away.
I have a sister in law who keeps asking her brother to cosign for stuff with her. She knows its wrong but does it anyway, knowing we already have loans and bills to pay. This time she went be hind my back and asked him so her husband could buy a truck. It ticks me off BC she uses her relationship to him as a way to get him to try and do stuff. She directed me and him by even asking and I’m tired of it. She’s much older than us and needs to handle her own financial affairs instead of running to baby brother. We plan on looking for a house in a couple years so we have our own issues to worry about. She needs to grow the fuck up and handle her own shit.
My slightly older sister and are very close.. She and I are both educated professionala and very good handling money
We both maxed our 401k contributions, and saved as much additional money we could. We are both 60ish now. Her career skyrocketed and she makes at least $250,k a year, but due to my depression and anxiety issues, my professional career making about $80k a year failed several years ago, and I currently can only work part time at $13 an hour, so my accessible savings has dwindled and I can’t start collecting my 401k for a couple years. I spend nothing that I don’t absolutely need to keep up my modest home and buy other necessities and I have no debt. If my sister sent me $500 a month it wouldn’t affect her lifestyle at all but would be a huge help to me. When I asked her for help I was shocked when she refusef. If ,the situation was reversed I would do anything I could to help her. I’m very hurt and don’t understand how she can be so selfish. Not all siblimgs that ask for help are spenthrifts that don’t deserve belp.
I’m 51 and have a brother who is 48. He can’t hold a job. Will live in his car . Needed to have his registration paid or he would lose the car . I paid it . I get his mail at my house . I told my brother I will not be paying his registration ever again and handle his business.. On one if his mail I wrote
Because I love you . I will no longer give you or loan you any more money…
He called me this morning. I answered he says he has run out of gas .. I forgot to mention. He lives in my carport.. he is around the corner..
I told him I don’t have a gas can and hung up .
He called again . I didn’t answer..
he sent me a text that he could get a gas can but needed 5.00 .. I haven’t responded to him ..
I know my brother is on drugs . My mother would always help him .. my mother has been dead for 2 years now .. I’m not sure what to do with him anymore! My fiancé says I need to tell him to leave my carport and learn to live elsewhere…
I’m not sure what to do now ?
Your brother sounds like my sister, and her kids. Every family seems to have sociopathic family members. I have helped my sister many, many times paying her bills because she just won’t work or take care of herself. She had a great job with the State; great benefits, low stress job, but because she is socially disfunctional she can’t get along with ANYONE; they finally let her go on, put her on disabiity for stress and anxiety (ya, who doesn’t have that, yet we all still go to work). So she now brings home almost the same amount per month that I do, but doesn’t have to do a damned thing for it. Sleeps in, buys her booze, hangs out at home all day watching tv on her $150.00 cable. Yet she continues to spend before she pays her bills, and then she’s back asking me or my mom to borrorw money so she can pay her cable, or cell phone, or her new car which she can’t afford. I’m done with it. I’m not stupid or gullible. I told her, if you want nice things, get a job. If you don’t want to work then you do without.
The only thing I want in return is for my sister to stop hitting me up for money. I was really happy when we got back in touch after years of no contact, and then she jumped right back into asking me for money again. And the thing is I know that some of it kind of is because of impulse spending and financial responsibility. I’m frustrated because I just got out of a situation where I was half supporting another person and it wiped me out for a while and made it to where I depleted some of my savings, followed by a series of various other disasters I had no control over. I don’t want to say no to her because I do feel guilty….Our parents aren’t in the picture so I’m the only family she’s in touch with and I don’t like letting people down, but I also wish she would just see it and be more responsible and try to see that she’s falling back into bad habits and not getting a leg up on preparing for the future (I’m way older and I’m not gonna be around forever) and that well…she kind of takes advantage of me. Or at least she has and I’m afraid things are going that way again. I haven’t said anything though because it’s mostly my fault. After all, I let this pattern happen. But I guess I just fundamentally don’t understand the thought process behind this. I don’t think I could ask for money even if I needed it. I don’t think I ever have aside from some here and there for gas or allowance when I was a kid but like….even that I technically still had to pay back or do chores for. And I more than paid it back with all the things I paid for my sister when we were all still talking that my parents really SHOULD have been paying for instead of hitting me up for.
I don’t even know what to do. I guess it’s also because I’m selfish. I have so few people in my life and I’m really isolated. It would be so arrogant of me to assume I was good enough at making friends or forming human connections to afford to burn or damage this bridge. And I always think what if I’m wrong? Maybe I’m just being negative. Maybe I’m not seeing this the right way. Maybe the good outweighs the discomfort. Man I don’t know sometimes. I feel like I’m a terrible person for even struggling with this. I feel like I’m being judgemental. After all I’ve made some poor decisions in my life too. I wish I was disgustingly rich so I could just give her handouts without worrying about my own financial future.